Back to the toilet, is my one ambition :-)

That one moment in the bathroom. Now the entire focus of my days is getting back there.. and staying there. Why?

To tell the truth, the feeling I had in that moment wasn’t that great. No euphoria, no Angels’ choir. Actually it was more of a void, a nothing. There was no profound sense of peace and well being. Just that, for a moment, life had stopped bullying me. There was quiet, and there was nothing.

Feeling that moment so briefly, was like trying a new food, and spitting it out before the full lexicon of flavours could be experienced.

Why would I want to go back there, to that moment? Not because it was so good, but because unconsciousness is so unbearably bad.

I have a real sense that I need to be back there, that it’s somehow in my best interests to be there. So now I have stopped thinking so much. I sit for ages and nothing at all enters my mind. Am I back there? I don’t know.

I’m reminded of learning to sight read music. There is a time when one is not sure if one is really reading and playing the notes or if one has simply memorized the sequence of finger movements. If worry enters the student’s mind at that point, it is needless worry. The answer is to persist and as if by magic, one begins to truly read.